Arguing vs Reasoning

I am the recipient of a regular devotional from Insight to Freedom. Today’s devotional struck a chord with me and what we do at Crossroads. It is by John Deal and from his book, “Decisions By The Book.”

ARGUING vs REASONING

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD . . . (Isaiah 1:18). The nature of God does not permit us to argue with anyone about anything. Why? Because to argue is to prove our point and be in contention with another, while to reason is to explain in love. Let us not be so prideful as to believe that through the contention of arguing we can lead another to see the love of God. In truth, when we start arguing about anything, even the Bible, we are more interested in proving our point than in communicating the love of God to another. That is why God offered to His contentious people . . . Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD . . .

The Slippery Slope

How do you respond to conflict? There are three different ways we respond to conflict. In the work we do at Crossroads Resolutions, we use something called a Slippery Slope. So, imagine a half-circle, a slipper slope and three sections. To the left are escape responses, to the right, attack responses and in the middle, peace-making.

Escape Responses including denial, flight, suicide. Some people lean towards denying that there is an issue in the first place. Others tend to run and hide. Sadly, when someone feels there is no hope in resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation through suicide.

Attack Responses include assault, litigation, murder. Some people will try to attack their opponent verbally, through physical violence or by trying to damage a person financially or professionally. Litigation is an all-too common response to conflict. And, sadly, some people get angry enough to kill.

As a peace maker, we respond by overlooking, reconciliation, negotiation, mediation, arbitration and accountability. If the issue is small enough, consider overlooking the offense, which is a form of forgiveness. If you simply can’t overlook the offense, seek to reconcile through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. Sometimes reconciliation can resolve the relational issue but material issues still need to be dealt with. Negotiation comes into play here through a cooperative bargaining process. If a settlement cannot be reached, consider mediation in which one or two outside, objective people meet to explore possible solutions. Arbitration happens when you and your opponent can’t seem to reach a voluntary agreement. Keep in mind though that arbitration is legally binding. Finally, we, especially as Christians, are called to hold one another accountable.

Where are you on the Slippery Slope?

Wherever I Go, There I Am

I (Theresia Whitfield) have often heard Bill (Blew) talk about a country song he knows that either has the title or song lyrics, “Wherever I go, there I am.” (We haven’t figured out who sings it. If anyone knows, feel free to share!)

The reason Bill refers to this song in client meetings is because of its message. It basically says that if I see that the grass is greener on the other side, I can change my church, my house, my job, or even my spouse. But once I get to that greener pasture, no matter what I change, I am still there. I come with all my baggage, my complaints, my heartaches, and my sinfulness.

James 4:1-3 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

Isn’t that so true? We argue with our spouses, our bosses, or our children because of selfish motives and a sinful heart. And just when we’re ready to trade it all in and run away, we discover that we came with us! And we came with everything we thought we left behind.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are!

The Golden Rule

Every major religious and secular philosophy has one of its tenets in the Golden Rule, which is indeed Scriptural, based on Matthew 7:12 – “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law…”. While Crossroads Resolutions is guided by both Scripture and the Holy Spirit, we aim for impartiality. Christian Conciliation promotes and follows values that are not limited to, or the property of, any particular faith or religion. It really is simple: Follow the Golden Rule.

• Be honest
• Do what is just and merciful
• Accept responsibility for your actions
• Admit your own wrongs
• Keep your word
• Be concerned about the interest of others
• Listen careful to what others say
• Overlook minor offenses
• Confront others constructively
• Be open to forgiveness and reconciliation
• Change harmful attitudes and behaviors
• Make restitution for any damage you have caused

“Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbor to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker, the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.”

- Abraham Lincoln

Four G’s

What does God’s Word teach us about conflict? Lots of things! We are called to be reconciled with whomever we are in conflict. At Crossroads Resolutions, we use the Four G’s approach, which was created by the Peacemakers Ministries, in resolving conflict.

Glorify God – 1 Corinthians 10:31 tells us, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the Glory of God.” Biblical peacemaking is motivated by our desire to bring glory to God. It is through Jesus Christ’s love and power of reconciliation that we can be peacemakers.

Get the Log Out of Your Eye – Matthew 7:5 – “You hypocrite. First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” We need to own up to our personal participation in conflict before we point out the other person’s offenses. Attacking someone else only encourages counterattacks.

Gently Restore – Galatians 6:1 – “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” After we examine our own faults, we will then be able to graciously show others their contribution to conflict. If they refuse to listen, invite respected friends, church leaders or other objective people who can help encourage repentance.

Go and Be Reconciled – Matthew 5:24 – “…leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Restoring relationships. That’s what peacemaking is all about. We should remember that Jesus forgave us, and for that reason, we should forgive others.

You can live at peace as God’s Word promises us. But, you have a part to play in peace and relationship restoration.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

Conflicts: You’re Not Alone

All of us are involved in conflict at one time or another; unfortunately, many of us respond to conflicts in one of two negative ways:

We escape: we deny by pretending the problem does not exist, we refuse to take steps to resolve the problem successfully, or we run away (end a friendship, quit a job, get a divorce, etc.);

We attack: we use force or intimidation, verbal attacks, or even physical attacks. Ultimately, we may pursue litigation although lawsuits usually damage relationships, diminish our Christian witness, and often fail to achieve complete justice.

At Crossroads Resolutions, we pursue a third alternative – and so can you.

Biblical peacemaking response: Overlooking a minor offense, personal reconciliation or negotiation, and bringing in a third party to assist with mediation and/or arbitration.

You don’t have to struggle alone in your conflict, and you can find healing and restoration.